The process of stepping into who you are without your spouse takes time as you shed all that you once knew and felt.
One day you wake up and realize you don’t know who you are anymore. Everything from the decisions you made, the people you hung out with, and how you ate all revolved around the relationship and what was best for both of you.
The idea of starting over and making new choices is both exhilarating and completely foreign as you begin to question everything from, “Will I become vegan? Should I sell my place and rent a spot downtown? Get all new furniture? When is it ok to start dating again? Who’s keeping our dogs? What new hobby can I pick up?”
Take the time to embrace this new phase of starting over and finding yourself again. It’s a process that takes effort every single day as you find some days are easy and you are super focused on the future, then the following day you can’t seem to get out of bed.
When I work with clients going through divorce I do my best to be with them at that moment to listen and feel through what lights them up. How you see yourself will drastically change how you show up, how you talk, act, and even how you walk out of the fitting room as you experiment with new clothing styles and colors.
Warning: Shopping will NOT cure the hurt you feel, but it DOES give you a boost of hope and confidence as you face the new life you are entering. Taking out clothes from your closet that don’t make you feel good and replace it altogether with looks that reflect the new you and the new life you are creating. Don’t step into your new life with clothing from who you were in your marriage years ago.
Did you find you were dressing more conservative when you were married or more casual and laid back? My client, Linda found herself lost with what to wear. After leaving her marriage of 10 years she opened her closet and saw that everything she owned reflected the life that he wanted for them. Her clothing for a part time office job was very professional and neutral, she didn’t own any outfits for going out because they spent a lot of time at home, and she lived in a giant house in a family neighborhood when they didn’t even want to have children.
There was a huge disconnect going on that she couldn’t figure out until divorce.
We had to go through to process of finding out how she wanted to feel in her outfits, what activities was she now going to be doing, where was she going to live.
As we tried clothing on she realized she wanted clothing that was more fun and playful, she found a new love for concerts and live music, she wanted to date someone with similar interests as her. On dates she didn’t want to wear her clothes that seemed stuffy and conservative, she wanted more jewelry and lower cut tops. She found her sexy back!
This case with similar with many of my clients in rediscovering their style. They experimented with faux leather, colorful prints, new designer work bag, and more.
This isn’t so much for others to see as much as it is for yourself. For both men and women, sometimes you find that you get stuck in getting comfortable and wearing the same clothing, undergarments and outfits, over and over again without investing in fresh new looks.
Now that you are in a new place, try new undergarments! The new fabrics are so soft on your skin and ladies, the matching panty and bra combo will make you feel put together. Invest in you a little and take out the older bras, panties, and boxers.
No one is going to see you, but your look changes your energy. If you wake up to wear an oversized tee and the saggy pj pants, there’s no excitement in that! There are lots of stylish, super comfy at home clothing you can wear at your laptop and running errands! Take time to go through your at home drawer because it’s probably overflowing with sweaters, tees, and stuff you just don’t even wear anymore.
If someone were to come knocking at the door are you prepared? If you work on home, you may want to purchase some more outfits, but if you want some weekend looks I suggest getting two outfits to start off with. Then get something new next season.
When was the last time you went shopping for date night? The outfit you have might not be current and needs some replacing. If you are already in dating stage or are starting to go out again consecutively, invest in pieces that are welcoming and attractive. Wear colors you feel comfortable in, have looks for daytime activities to wear around town and evening looks for dinner and bar hopping.
Be prepared and you’ll have less time worrying about what to wear and more time to focus your energy on getting mentally ready for your date.
This is only one part of the process in finding who you are again after divorce and every step you’ll discover something new about yourself that you love and want to embrace.
Never give up on the journey of love and continue building the life that you desire, surround yourself with people that are supporting you along the way.
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